Dear Mr. Google,
I don’t know where you get off sending all the pervies to my blog. Are you pissed because I occasionally cheat on you with Yahoo? If, so… get over it. You’re not the only search engine out there ya’ know, and I have no qualms about ditching you completely if you keep sending me the perverts. Normally you’re a source of entertainment for me, but yesterday you went too far when somebody googled “boobless girl pics” and you sent them to me.
That was just mean.
This is a family-friendly blog… sorta. OK, fine then, it’s a blog about my family, but that’s beside the point. I’m sure there’s lots of people who would love a little traffic directed to their website, and they wouldn’t mind the fact that it’s the kind of people who google “sucking donkey balls” and “exposing yourself in public”.
I’m not one of them.
I have no way of getting a hold of these people, so could you do me a favor and pass on a message from me? Thanks, love.
“Is Adam Levine well endowed pics”
How the hell would I know? If I knew, do you honestly think I would be writing about it? Or posting pictures (although to be fair, I probably would)? I can’t blame you for wondering, I’ve often wondered myself, but I doubt there would be any pictures on the Internet. If you do happen to come across one, would you mind sending it to me? My email address is sam@imjustkiddingyouwhackjob.net.
“Sucking donkey balls”
OH NO, YOU DI’INT!
“Love is a game I just wanna be played”
I really hope that those words are the lyrics to a cheesy ’70s song you were looking for because when I read this I had an image in my mind of Joey Tribbiani in a leisure suit sayin’, “How you doin’?”. I even wondered what you looked like… I can’t imagine if you’re having to use the Internet to search for pick-up lines that you look like Joey (if that’s the case, then disregard this post… will you marry me?), and my guess is that you weigh well over 300 pounds, you still live with your parents, and you work at Taco Bell.
“Matters of size am I a long daddy”
Get a ruler and leave my blog alone.
“Rub up against my pillow”
When you wake up tomorrow morning, repeat these words to yourself… “Must not have sexual relations with home decor”.
“Exposing yourself in public”
How did you find out about that? I swear, when Mark and I took the kids to the Aquatic Center I had no idea that the new bathing suit I was wearing was see through! It was a bathing suit, how was I supposed to know? I thought when the other mothers were shielding the eyes of their children and giving me dirty looks were doing so because they were jealous of my rock hard abs (heh) and an ass you could bounce a quarter on (snort). When I realized what was going on down there I was mortified… I didn’t know whether I should cover myself or look for the nearest pole to dance on. Again, I ask you… HOW DID YOU FIND OUT ABOUT THAT!
“Female anatomy naughty private part hair”
There are no words. I’m speechless. I can’t imagine why Mr. Google would direct you to me… I think he may have been drinking on the job.
Thanks Mr. Google. I appreciate it.
Sincerely,
Sam
Filed under: The Edge Of Insanity
Oh, oh! I’ll take em! Imagine all the hits you’re going to get with this one. lol
I am so glad I don’t check my site meter, the what-if’s alone have my therapist on speed dial.
My statcounter is littered with perviness. Seriously, the examples I mentioned in my blog post today? Yeah, I get that canine one multiple times a day, every day!
That and people wanting to know the lyrics to “You’re The One That I Want”
People are random. Gross and random.
Hah! You apparently have quite a gift for writing headlines and hilarious innuendo.
I laughed when I had someone from Saudi Arabia land on a blog post about domestic violence with the terms” naked wives blog”
Apparently I am not as…um….errr….forward as you, because the only hits I get from Google are regarding pee, “urgent need to pee”, “the pee poll” (??) and “pull over I need to pee.”….but then there’s my all time favorite “how to clone yourself with stuff found in home!” HA HA HA I frigin WISH!!
LOL You do realize, by writing about it, Mr. Google will only direct more traffic your way, right?
I love checking my site meter though because there are usually some hilarious google searches listed.
Seems Mr. Google likes to send diaper fetishes my way. Among the more disturbing: “incest diaper” and “woman in a diaper screaming to be #$%^ed.” Yeah, Mr. Google, he is a strange one.
Oh my! I stopped looking at mine. There are some strange people out there and it’s best to ignore it!
Well you just boosted your stats with all those headlines…lol I don’t get anything quite that interesting. I get people looking for new grills as in teeth, teddy bears, and oh see my boobs, No thanks!
Very Funny!
Kirst